Poop Chicken

I'm simultaneously reading this sketch & watching The Bachelorette, so this very well could be all over the place, but you're gonna have to forgive me because we're down to the final two here:


* I don't think the sketch needs a dark horse, nor do I think that it needs the element of the women *not* knowing that they're competing. I think that the more it looks like a major sporting event, the better. You can add a sponsor or two, interview some fans looking on, have food vendors, a singing of the National Anthem/7th inning stretch/halftime show- tons of options. I believe that the more from the real sports world can be injected into this sketch, the better. To that end, I don't think that poop chicken should be referred to as an 'underrated sport'- poop chicken is THE sport & this is the finals of a major tournament.

* Whether poop chicken is underrated or not, the explanation of the game should still be there. I had this thought in my head of, during the explanation, we would see these crude, childish images onscreen. For example, when it's said that "loud noises of sorts are used to cover up any offensive sounds," I see a drawing of a woman sitting on a toilet shooting a gun & shitting at the same time. I can't draw worth a damn, and if no one else can, then forget the suggestion. Just a thought I wanted to get out there that could maybe spark something.

* At the end of major tennis tournaments, they interview both the winner and the loser. There might be something to Linda losing by plooping prematurely per Jerry's suggestion, and then Chett gets a quick word from both of them. I love the image of Poop Chicken competitors giving their interviews while sitting on the toilet, pants around ankles.

* Does our champion get a trophy? A championship belt? A golden plunger? A magical bottle of Pepto Bismal? Chipotle coupons?

* I like Jerry's suggestion of Denise being a former poop chicken champion herself. That gives her more credibility to explain the game and know what it takes to come away as champion.

* Maybe this is Barbara's toughest opponent yet, so she has to really dig deep and do something totally crazy in order to win. Maybe she has to call her daughter to come into the bathroom and peek under a stall? Is that even legal? Why am I still writing things?

Pan of restroom with announcers voices dubbed over. Halfway through Jim’s first paragraph we go to the two reporters.

Jim: Hello everybody and welcome to today’s annual poop chicken division finals. We’re coming to you live from the Smithco. women’s restroom here in sunny Inglewood California. I’m Jim Suthers and here with me as always the beautiful Denise Lamar the two time all around division poop chicken champion from ’06-’07. Poop Chicken a relatively new sport that has grown immensely in popularity in such a short period of time.

Denise: Yes Jim poop chicken is an exciting high intensity and highly competitive sport. Two woman go into one bathroom and only one comes out both victorious and free of any bowl obstructions. The goal of poop chicken is to either taunt and outlast your opponent long enough so they leave the restroom and you’re free to go as you please or attempt a poo sneak attack without your competitor hearing or knowing you’ve gone. Often times loud noises of sorts are used to cover up any offensive sounds and these woman will use anyone or anything at their disposal.

Jim: Thanks for the overview Denise, we do have a tight match up today between 3 time champ Barbara from accounting and a new challenger from customer service Linda. Denise give us your analysis who do you think is going to come out on top?

Denise: Well Jim, I’m always one to root for the underdog. Linda may be new but she works in customer service and everyone knows it takes a lot of gonads to deal with customers shit and then your own shit. *winks at camera*

Jim: We go now to the coin toss to decide which stall the ladies get. Now Denise as a former champ which stall do you think has the better advantage.

Denise: Well Jim I believe the westward stall has a definite advantage there is less direct sunlight which helps keep the competitors cool. Also it’s the farthest stall from the door which helps provide more privacy.

Jim: Looks like Barbara has one the toss and has chosen the westward stall as predicted. They shake hands but look at that intensity in their eyes this is clearly going to be a tough matchup. The energy here in this ladies restroom is palpable as they mount the toilets. Both ladies begin with the traditional foot crossover position for our national anthem. The national anthem to be sung by the daughter of Metamucil CEO Lisa Shitman, sorry that’s pronounced Lisa Sheetmin.

Lisa sings national anthem. Referee blows whistle immediately after.

Jim: The whistle is blown and they are off to the races.

Linda loudly crumples toilet paper

Denise: Linda immediately making a move with the toilet paper crumble manuever, this is a pretty common and safe move. It’s not effective on such a seasoned Veteran as Barbara.

Barbara starts clearing throat

Denise: Barbara rebuttals with her own gutteral throat clearing, often these noises help clear out competitors but no Linda is still in it.

Jim: Let’s go to Chett our field reporter who is getting down and dirty in the Women’s restroom. Chett what is it going to take to come out the victor?

Chett: Well, Jim, it's all about the three C's: concentration, conditioning, and timing. Concentration is important you must filter out all distractions or this could be their biggest downfall. Conditioning is important it’s not just about today these woman have been conditioning and working out their bodies for months now. Timing is the absolute key you have to be ready to go at the spur of the moment or you may need to hold it for upwards of 30 minutes it just depends on the situation. Poop Chicken is 90% mental and 30% physical.

Denise: Thanks Chett, hopefully no one had Chipotle for dinner last night if you know what I mean.

Denise & Jim let out fake cheesy laughs.

Barbara plays on her phone

Jim: Barbara has whipped out her phone and is playing candy crush this is definitely a taunt she wants to send out a signal to Linda that she is in it for the long haul.

Denise: Linda is attempting for more noise she is now crumpling up customer surveys.

Jim: So that’s what they do with those surveys *camera wink*

Denise & Jim more fake laughter

Jim: Oh we’re in for a treat, look to the sidelines it’s the pepto bismol prancers. Aren’t they just lovely.

*Pepto Bismol Dance*

Denise: The competition is now neck and neck. Barbara is now stapling her TPS reports, this is a smart move from Barbara.

Linda spins the toilet paper roll but she has rolled all the toilet paper off.

Denise: Linda moves from the survey crumple over to a TP spin, but oh no bad luck for Linda she has ran out of toilet paper.

Barbara starts drumming on her leg

Jim: Power play from Barbara she is playing the leg drums. This is one of her signature moves and it’s the move the clinched the win for her vs. Monique from partner operations.

Linda begins sweating and looking around desperately

Denise: Sweat is literally rolling down Linda’s face, is she going to break! Will it be a fourth consecutive win for Barbara?

Linda makes a tiny plop

Jim: Yes! Linda attempted a sneak attack defecation but it was heard by all. Unbelievable win for Barbara. It’s a 4th win in a row for our reigning poop chicken champion. We go to Chett for an interview with our competitors.

Chett: Linda unfortunately you lost, what was it that broke you?

Linda: Well Chett, I tried my hardest and I’ve been training for weeks but it’s different when you’re in the competition so much pressure I just wasn’t able to concentrate. I also think my second cup of coffee this morning was a poor choice but I definitely won’t make that mistake again. But I do I believe there’s nothing wrong with being number 2 Chett.

Chett: Now over to our champ Barbara. Barbara tell me a bit about today’s match up?

Barbara: *panting heavily* Linda is a tough competitor Chett, I wasn’t ready for that since she is so new but she put up a tough fight.

Chett: Who has been your biggest inspiration?

Barbara: Definitely my husband he has been very supportive of me throughout all my victories. He himself is pretty well known in the men’s poop chicken circuit, and of course we train together.

Chett: Barbara how do you feel about your victory?

Barbara: It really feels amazing to win, 4th time in a row now, nothing could feel better ... well except for going to the bathroom. If we could get the cameras out of here so I can do my business.

Crowd behind Barbara cheering and hold up signs. Barbara tries to shoo them out.

Jim: Alright well that does for us here at the poop chicken division championships stay tuned after where we will be coming to you live from the (insert funny competition)semifinals.

I like this. The one thing we lost is the crowd's response in the "galley." One of the things that I think made the original pitch so funny is the crowd of spectators were like golf fans. When someone goofs, there is a murmur in the crowd. When someone drops a deuce, there is polite applause.

And speaking of dropping a deuce, If this were a real sport that was broadcast on ESPN or Sunday morning network, the announcers would never say the word "shit." In fact they would come up with all kinds of fancy euphemisms for it, but never say it. So this line throws me off: "everyone knows it takes a lot of gonads to deal with customers shit and then your own shit."

Also, the singing of the national anthem seems like it would kill the momentum of this video. On the other hand, the Pepto Bismo Dancers could be funny if they were all in pink and had some killer potty-related moves. Sounds like a big bathroom would be needed.

Does crumpling toilet tissue make noise? Should each stall be outfitted with yesterday's Classified and Real Estate section, so there's some paper to rustle?