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Post by veronica on Jul 28, 2015 18:06:50 GMT
So I've written this now from the two women's perspectives, If it says VO Barbara or VO Linda then they are saying these things in their head and will just be a voice over there actions. I think a large amount of the funny also has to do with their facial reactions and the noises and movements they make.
Women stares into her reflection in the mirror at work putting on lipstick all of a sudden her tummy grumbles.
VO Barbara: Time to file some reports for Mr. Brown. (she smirks in the mirror at her stupid joke)
Barbara hurries into the bathroom situating herself.
Linda enters the bathroom and notices the crossed feet under the stall
VO Barbara: No no no, damnnnit.. seriously every time I have to go.
VO Linda: I can't go with someone else in here, maybe if I wash my hands she’ll get the hint and leave.
Linda washes her hands exaggeratedly
VO Barbara: Girl code dictates first one in has dibs, surely she abides by the girl code.
VO Linda: Oh you don’t want to leave, fine I’ll play your game
VO Barbara: Not following the code I see, it’s ok I can stay in here all night,I got an anus like the hoover dam.
Linda notices Barbara's shoes under the stall
VO Linda: Those are for sure Barbara’s hideous workout sneakers, the most that fatass has worked out is lifting the snickers to her mouth.
Linda enters the stall next to Barbara and starts slowing placing a toilet seat cover on the toilet and takes her sweet time to sit down.
VO Barbara: Oh you wanna play dirty, you dirty girl.
Barbara begins crumpling up the toilet paper
VO Linda: Bitch I invented the toilet paper crumble, really you think that’s going to make me leave.
Linda starts spinning the toilet paper loudly
VO Barbara: Barbara you can do this, you’re strong, you just ran your first 5k, you just need to outlast her.
VO Linda: No whore from accounting is making me leave this restroom before dropping this deuce.
VO Barbara: Just think of your happy place, happy place. You’re at the spa, you’re all relaxed, you get a mud mask, mud.. not mud shitttt..
Linda begins coughing
VO Linda: This bitch can’t take a hint
VO Barbara: Oh god, I think it's about to breach.
Barbara flushes the toilet
VO Linda: I know one flush isn’t going to cover up that chipotle steak burrito she had for lunch.
VO Barbara: Phew false alarm. This is what I get for eating Chipotle for lunch. I swear I’m back on my diet tomorrow god just help me get through this.
Fire alarm starts going off
VO Barbara: Maybe it’s just a false alarm, they do these drills all the time
VO Linda: Perfect Barbara will leave and I’ll have the bathroom all to myself.
Guy sticks head in restroom
Guy: Is anyone in here, we have to evacuate.. Tim from human relations set his desk on fire again.
Barbara & Linda in Unison: Be out in a minute.
Lines quicken pace/noises
VO Barbara: All right it’s now or never
VO Linda: Well you didn’t want to leave but now you have to experience the wrath
VO Barbara: The wrath of my lunch choices
VO Linda: You had your chance to leave
VO Barbara: But now we’re in this together
Tension Building with noises (cut back and forth with silly faces/grunting/noises). Lady walks in is freaked out by noises and slowly backs out.
Barbara & Linda in Unison: Oh Shit.
Blackout or Brown out ; )
Cleaning lady over the credits: Knock knock, I come to clean.. Ay dios mio.. the devil is in here, it smells like pure concentrated fury, this place needs an exorcism.
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JT
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Post by JT on Jul 28, 2015 19:06:04 GMT
Awesome rewrite, great instincts to feel that the sports parody was taking over and dominating the real original joke/idea at the heart of this. Glad you persevered and didn't ditch this
- im glad you emphasized what poop chicken is within the it's few lines of dialogue. Thats important to establish clearly
- if I understand poop chicken right, then I think I am a bit confused at the end when I think the ladies say fuck it and decide to subject each other to their pooping. I feel like they should be struggling to hide it and embarrassed to the very end?
- like the different strategies for trying to fake the other woman out by making noise. Is there one more noise thing to toss in? Maybe something phone related, or as absurd as banging on the stall wall?
- I would like to see these ladies meet at the sinks after, maybe after the credits. Just a taste of what they do when they (have to) see each other. Or maybe they stay in the stalls and debate in their heads who will wash their hands first... Some kind of final beat aftermath.
- I personally would like to not have the janitor be Spanish or Mexican or any discernible nationality because I want to avoid any hint of racial stereotyping in our videos. There's a potential to insult somebody in our audience. On stage I'd do an accent in a heartbeat, but the internet is a very PC world
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JT
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Post by JT on Jul 28, 2015 19:17:51 GMT
And I should mention that I love the way the sketch starts & progresses. I love the guy coming in to warn them about the fire - that's a very fun addition, it's just crazy enough to be absurd but not taking away from the realism of the sketch (which is exposing a real thing), I can picture him covering his eyes.
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Post by Kat Kirkpatrick (Admin) on Jul 29, 2015 1:06:11 GMT
Really like it! I don't think you necessarily need the cleaning lady at the end... the "Oh shit" is a good button on it's own. Or, alternately, another employee (or the same guy who came in the first time) could check to make sure that everyone is out for the fire drill and say something like "God, what died in here?" Oh anus, my favorite word. Actually, it's kind of like "moist" to me, makes me choke a little. If I were the writer I'd probably use "colon," but if you prefer anus then anus it should be.  Looks great!!! |
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Post by Julie on Jul 29, 2015 5:02:27 GMT
This is really good Ronnie! I love the change, I literally laughed out loud. I think a common thing with women pooping is constipation ... Lol....so you can always talk about that... Like, have one of the VO's be like... "Bitch, I haven't pooped in 3 days... Your tactics are child's play.... (Or something along those lines). Or have them both in the end be like "shit, shit, shit"....when they start pooping....then have them use other tricks WHEN pooping.... Like the double flush... Or have one looking frantically through her purse for matches or perfume. Then the awkward washing of the hands together at the end. Just some ideas  Great job |
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Post by veronica on Jul 29, 2015 21:24:01 GMT
Women stares into her reflection in the mirror at work putting on lipstick all of a sudden her tummy grumbles.
VO Barbara: Time to file some reports for Mr. Brown. (she smirks in the mirror at her stupid joke)
Barbara hurries into the bathroom situating herself.
Linda enters the bathroom
VO Barbara: No no no, damnnnit.. seriously every time I have to go. I can’t go with someone else in here, I’ll just wait her out.
VO Linda: Ugh someones already in here, maybe if I wash my hands she’ll get the hint and leave.
Linda washes her hands exaggeratedly
VO Barbara: Girl code dictates first one in has dibs, surely she abides by the girl code.
VO Linda: Oh you don’t want to leave, fine challenge accepted.
Linda enters the stall next to Barbara and starts slowing placing a toilet seat cover on the toilet and takes her sweet time to sit down.
VO Barbara: Seriously you’re going to Columbus me, think you discovered this bathroom first and now it’s yours. Well good luck, this native has a pair of heels and a colon like the hoover dam.
VO Linda: She thinks she can outlast me, I’ve been brewing this bad boy for three days now. Who’s over there anyway, old geriatric heels. Probably that cow Barbara from accounting.
VO Barbara: I am strong independent female and I won’t let anyone else make decisions about body. I go when I decide.
Announcement is made over the PA system.
PA Announcement: There are Kripsy Kreme donuts in the kitchen for Linda's birthday, only a few left better get there quick.
VO Linda: Goddamnit, Why did it have to be my birthday today.. krispy Kreme glazed donut are my favorite.. no no, be strong.
VO Barbara: You’re better than this, you are better than a donut, you are worth more.
Barbara receives text from assistant, reads “Barbara where are you? The CEO of Janco is here for the meeting and he is pissed”
Barbara texts back “Cancel it, there are more important matters at hand, this is for women everywhere”
VO Linda: No whore from accounting is making me leave this restroom before dropping this deuce.
VO Barbara: Barbara you can do this, you’re strong, you just ran your first 5k, you just need to outlast her.
Fire alarm starts going off
VO Barbara: Maybe it’s just a false alarm, they do these drills all the time
VO Linda: Perfect she’ll leave and I’ll have the bathroom all to myself.
Dan sticks head in restroom, covering his eyes with is hand.
Dan: Is anyone in here, we have to evacuate. Tim from human relations set his desk on fire again.
Barbara & Linda in Unison: Be out in a minute.
Lines quicken pace/noises
VO Barbara: Oh god, it’s coming.. I can’t let her hear.. no one can know I’m not perfect.
VO Linda: Why do I always have to go when there is a chance of danger.
VO Barbara: No I need to cover it up, umm.. umm.. toilet paper
Barbara Begins crumpling toilet paper.
VO Linda: This is happening it’s happening, must cover up the noise.
Linda begins spinning the toilet paper.
Barbara starts drumming on her legs loudly
Linda hums with her fingers in her ears
Barbara finds a whistle in her purse and starts blowing
Linda uses a blow horn or horn noise from her purse.
Tension Building with noises (cut back and forth with silly faces/grunting/noises). Lady walks in is freaked out by noises and slowly backs out.
Barbara & Linda in Unison: Oh Shit.
Blackout
Both woman exit the stalls and look at each other.
VO Barbara: Oh no she better not think she is washing her hands first.
VO Linda: I will cut a bitch if she touches that sink.
Both make a run for the sink
Cut to Credits
Said During Credits:
Dan: Is anyone still in here, holy hell it smells like something died in here.
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JT
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Post by JT on Jul 29, 2015 21:54:45 GMT
Really like the intensity that builds progressively throughout, which culminates in the the crazy back-and-forth montage/series of things/noises they make and do until the "oh, shit" moment. I think this will be a very entertaining sketch to watch because of the tension you've built to that climax.
And when they meet at the sink, I like how intense Barbara is about not speaking of what happened, b/c apparently women are serious about not talking about this whole poop chicken thing. That's a great final moment.
Couple of minor comments:
- The tension is heightened 3 times: 1) Janice enters the bathroom, 2) Barbara gets a text, 3) Dan enters the bathroom. I think Dan entering the bathroom is the most heightened because it's a very funny but still legitimate reason for someone to enter a bathroom to say something to its occupants. Is there another way that they could get the information about the donuts in a new and different way, because it feels a little un-realistic for someone to enter a bathroom to let people in there know about donuts, plus saving the information entrance for Dan might make that 3rd heightened more funny and unexpected. For example, Barbara could look up and see a flyer for the "donut Thursday in the breakroom 9:30-10:00. First come first serve!" posted on the stall door. Or, could Janice's voice announcing the arrival of donuts be heard from inside the bathroom? Or Janice enters the bathroom to get papertowels for people that are eating donuts, i.e. she enters and calls to people outside the bathroom, "I'll get the paper towels for the donuts!", which B and L hear from inside the stalls
- think about how the opening with Barbara could be filmed... Do you picture her at a desk, or standing in a hallway? Maybe the location of that opening changes based on where we are filming on Saturday
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lisaw
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Post by lisaw on Jul 29, 2015 22:29:21 GMT
Ah yes - love the addition of details and more heightening! I like what Jon recommended to get the donut bit being more realistic too.
At the end, I'm wondering if Barbara threatening Linda defeats the purpose of women not speaking of their bowels and covering up noises. Maybe it doesn't. As it is now, it does provide a fun and hard out which I enjoy.
If we're trying to be strict and stick to the non-speaking plan, it may be funny for them to not speak of it but to only show some awkwardness through body language, facial expression as they speak about the reports, etc...then when one woman exits the bathroom, the one who is left standing in the restroom immediately lets out a cute fart in relief. Still sticking to the game and one last button...especially since we never actually hear bowel noises throughout the sketch (I think).
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Post by zippykaufman on Jul 30, 2015 4:29:19 GMT
I don't know if this would work, but what if the two lines spoken to each other were also VO, so it's kind of like they can read each other's minds in that moment during the awkward hand washing?
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